Kids and Psycologists

We studied growth and development and school these last two weeks. Mostly we covered children. A good portion of our notes included the Theories of well known Theorists, such as Freud and Erickson. Mostly I just grit my teeth and dutifully wrote what I was supposed to. Freud, in particular bothered me. The rest of them just made me feel like a lousy mother. I tried not to roll my eyes, as I scribbled down things along the lines of "Autonomy vs. shame." "Initiative vs. guilt" 'Phallic stage" (at the ripe old age of 3, nontheless!)

My issues with Freud being, I never knew much about him, but everyone seems to know of him. His theory was along the lines of, everything is associated with sex. Including children and their development. At this point I mumbled something along the lines of 'leave it to a man...' but anyhow, I found his theories absurd, to say the least. We began with the oral phase of infancy. Everyone knows babies are very mouth oriented. Toys, bottles, pacifiers, the cat's tail, car keys, fingers, pretty much everything. We learned, though, that if their oral needs are not met, esp. sucking, like with bottles, thumbs and pacifiers, our poor neglected children will grow up with an oral fixation. Chain smoking, overeating, gum chewing. I figure there's going to be an eventual fight over one of my lungs, because my kids never had pacifiers, and stopped the bottle at an early age. Discouraging thumb sucking isn't all that good either. Flash back to all the times I have told Kaila to quick sucking her finger. (Goodbye lung!)
We progressed along the "Anal Phase" in which Freud informs us along the lines of non traumatic potty training. It needs to be a calm, easy, forgiving process, unforced and unhurried. Okay, I can go with that. At no point are we to raise our voices, show aggravation, and to be forgiving of accidents. Sounds fair. Of we don't, our child will be anal for life. That's where our "uptight" people come from. WHAT? LOL! Really? In discussing this with a friend over lunch, we mused about our combined 7 children, and the times when they almost deliberately wet or messed themselves, after repeted attempts to get said child to the potty. The times when, hands full, and incredably busy, this little anal angel went all over the place, and patients and temper gone, we actually yelled at the kid. At this point my lung will go to the anal kid.
When we arrived at the Phallic stage, I finally spoke up in class. I mean really, who published this nut? And why are we still listening to these theories? I asked if this Freud actually ever had children. So we looked him up online, in Wikkipedia. Not only did he NOT have children, he was in love with his mother, knocked up his wife's sister, then aborted the baby. He was also psycotic himself, with a diagnosis of schitzophrenia. Nice. This is our authority in child rearing.
On to other theories. Of course, it is never okay to spank your child. (Insert eye roll here) and to never yell at the child. It is much better to speak calmly and rationally to your kid. That is a really nice theory, but, is it reality? We should encourage imaginary friends, and magical play, which is okay, who didn't have at least one pretend friend growing up? My brother Beau had one that actually beat him at checkers. We never let him forget it. So, I can go along with that.
It was time to take the test. Several questions were along the lines of; "Your child is going to touch something hot, do you, a) beat the child, b) calmly say, "it's hot, you will burn", c) Yell "Don't touch!", d) Wait till the neighbors come over, and discipline him then. Of COURSE I chose "B" But, what parent doesn't DO "c"? Esp. with more than one child? And if the child touches it, and cries, the general response most of the mom's in my class have is, 'Well, I TOLD you not to touch it!"

All this has been in my mind. Maybe I am just a bad mom. This is rolling around my head, as I took my children to Wal Mart today, after school, to purchase summer clothes and cookies for a tea party the girls and I are having Saturday. (Pictures will follow!) Lexi and Joe were in the shopping cart, a special cart, with two seats that face each other at the front. In the checkout, Joe had gotten out momentarily, to put his new jammies on the counter. When he tried to get back in, Lexi was busily refastening the seatbelt, and telling him he could not sit back down, because Isabelle was there. Lord. we pick NOW to aquire an imaginary friend?! So, the last two weeks spinning through my mind, I decide now is a good time to test these theories, and be a GOOD mom. So, I calmly say, "Lexi, maybe Isabelle can sit with you, instead?" "NO! She wants to sit there! Joe got up, you move, you lose!" "Lexi, You know that is Joe's spot, and so does Isabelle. Tell her to please move." "Isabelle, do you want to move? Mom, she said no. Too bad, Joe!" It is so glaringly obvious that these theorists never had children. " Lexi! MOVE Isabelle, and let your brother sit!" This over the wails of Joe. "She is not moving. He can just walk. He shouldn't have got up in the first place!" At this point the cashier one register over says, "Maybe next time "Isabelle" should stay home!" "No. She will be here everytime." Assures my daughter. I say, "Isabelle, can you please move? Oh my God, I am arguing with an imaginary being. Lexi!!! GET OUT OF THE WAY AND LET YOUR BROTHER SIT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU AND ISABELLE BOTH OUTSIDE AND BEAT YOU!!!!!" I close my eyes. In reality, you can rationalize all you want, I think, as the test flashes before my eyes, but, it's gonna eventually come down to, a) yelling at the child, and , b) at least the threat to beat the child.

While in Wal Mart, I also recall the lecture about letting kids have choices. If they don't have a say in their lives, they will be messed up for life. Really? These people never stood and argued with a 7 year old begging for Daisy Duke shorts and bikini's for second grade swim class. You can certainly attempt to let them pick between two respectable outfits, but, they never said what the hapless parent is supposed to do with the child who doesn't want anything to do with the choices presented. What is the proper response to the girl who is leaning toward the "Hooker look" and why is Wal Mart selling it in the first place?

We stopped into the Conservation Club, to get my paycheck, on the way home. I walked in, and it was all I oculd do not to just sit down and snuggle with my friend, "The Captain". (Capt. and Coke being my 'usual' you see....) I can only imagine what having a drinking mother will do to my already bound to be messed up kids!